She had a ball. She played, she splashed, she spent hours in the sun at Kings Island without worrying about the added heat of the hug machine. It was hours and hours of play, with heat, and little sleep, and not great food... Abby and Makenna are beat -and the don't even know it.
Abby had a small meltdown this evening; concerning Kindergarten. She will be going to a new school and she's kind of nervous. She doesn't know that, she just feels anxiety about it. She was crying and saying she didn't want to go. She just wanted to stay at her old school with her old friends. She would never make better friends than the ones she had there. This was the kind of meltdown that verged on tantrum - and I knew it was induced mostly by exhaustion. Those kinds of explosions usually aren't tempered well with reasoning; so often it's better to redirect. But I couldn't let this one go. I sat with her and we talked calmly about all the wonderful things she would learn, and all the new people she would meet. Even if she stayed at her old school, things would not be the same. Things were different now. Her friends wouldn't be there either; they were all moving on and going to other schools. She was growing up and moving on to a new part of her life. It may be scary and she may not know exactly what to expect, but she should try to enjoy it. She would always have her family and that would never change - we would follow her and always be her comfort. She was okay in the end, but I know it will be a difficult transition for her.
You see, everything I was telling her, I was trying to tell myself, too.
I had drawn the comparison earlier in the day. I was resting on the couch with Makenna asleep on me, and just thinking. About the whole thing, Makenna's medical issues, how everything is just different now. And I don't want it to be. I want everything the way it was. I have this feeling every time before a new cast. And sometimes in between. The best way I can describe the feeling is a tantrum. It's the feeling of wanting what you can't have. I don't want to have to deal with any of it anymore, I don't want her to have to deal with it, I wish it would all just go away.
Thankfully, I have grown and am a little more mature than my 5 year old and I can keep my tantrum on the inside. Most of the time. Maturity also brings the rational voice in your head. It is a inner struggle that rears it's ugly head every now and then; especially as we approach a new casting date. It is that voice of reason that points out all the same things I talked with Abby about...
...all the wonderful things I had learned, all the new people I've met. Things are different now and we have moved on to a new part of our lives. It may be scary, and I might not know exactly what to expect, but I should try to enjoy it. I will always have my family and that will never change - they will follow me and be my comfort. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
And I also can't help but hear my brother in my head. In the wise disciplinary words of a former airborne ranger... You have two choices: You can either do it and like it, or do it and not like it. You choose. But you have to do it...
I'll do it and I'll like it... but that 5 year old inside of me still says "I don't wanna!"